breathe

it's all over, the door is closed

and I feel...

so...

good.

cigarettes

got my headlights shining
down an old dirt road
smoke my cigarettes
I should quit, I know

the radio's playing
old country songs
someone's leaving, someone's cheating
on and on

I think I might like
the quiet nights
of this empty life

cause someday
maybe somebody will love me like I need
and someday I won't have to prove
cause somebody will see
all my worth but until then
I'll do just fine on my own
with my cigarettes
and this old dirt road

see I left another
good man tonight
I wonder if he'll miss me
Lord knows I tried

but I think that maybe
the thing that I did wrong
was put up with his
for far too long

I think I might like
the quiet nights
of this empty life

I ain't gonna sleep
I ain't gonna dream
about the things that I used to need
I ain't gonna cry
or go on living lies
I'm just gonna drive

- The Wreckers

time

yesterday I made the ballroom dance team (just summer team, so it's nothing very prestigious or anything). this was the fifth time that I had tried out so I was very grateful that I made it. I had actually considered not trying out just because I was sick of being rejected, and I'm glad I changed my mind. we'll be performing near the end of the term. it should be fun.

my FHE group went and played at the park last night. it was really fun. first we had ice cream, and it was so hot that it melted right away. and then we played tag on the playground. some little kids who were there joined us so the whole playground was full of people playing tag and it was just fun to be able to act like a kid again. not that I can't do that other times, but most of the time I'm just too tired to run around and play. or there isn't anyone there who I'm comfortable with. or I've got other stuff I should be doing. but last night was perfect.

after FHE I went "out" with someone unexpected. he wanted to take me out for treats (I chose slurpees) to congratulate me for making team. so we did. we went and got slurpees and then we went for a walk. it felt a little odd, because past experience (especially with this person) dictates that you go on walks when the relationship is changing. granted, when it started out we just went on walks to spend time together... but the last walk we went on was when we broke up three weeks ago. and the walk before that was when he decided he needed time apart. so anyway, last night we talked about a lot of things but basically it sounded to me like he is still torn and could possibly want to date me again. I care a bushel about him but I don't know if that would be the best thing for me. and since I'm in such turmoil right now, I think I just need to chin up and move on, as my professor said. okay, so maybe turmoil is a stronger word than I wanted, but you get the idea. it might be healthiest for me to just get over it and find someone new. easier said and done since I thought marriage could be in our future, but definitely kinder to myself. then there would be no expectations and I could move on with my life. but the saddest thing is that he is someone I can just talk with for hours. and hours. and hours. and we never run out of things to talk about. I've never met someone like that before. and there are plenty of other reasons why I want us to be together but right is right and not right is not right and I guess you can't argue with the powers that be. so it sounds like my only option is to give it time.

dream #1

last night I dreamed that my family was out in the middle of nowhere and I was separated from them. and we had all agreed that if we got separated, we would meet up at this military camp that was in the area. I was running to meet them because I wanted to be with them.

as I sprinted down the windy, two-lane mountain road with no shoulder, I noticed that I was wearing a skirt and sweater, even though it was a hot day. I was wearing a shirt under my sweater so I pulled my arms out of the sleeves and let it just hang around my neck.

as I ran further, I noticed that there were a lot of people also out running. their tan bodies were shiny from the sweat that had accumulated, and they were wearing clothing more suitable for running than I was - but most of them were not wearing shoes. the hot pavement on the road burned their feet (or so I assumed because their feet were red).

every so often a car would pass me on the road and I was afraid that I was going to get hit or that I would have to jump off the road into the ditch next to it in an effort to save myself.

I finally reached my destination and my family wasn't there. there were several people around though, so I talked with them for a while. one of the people I was talking to had a tool that he could use to carve a chunk of wood into a sculpture using only one hand, by rubbing the tool over the surface of the wood. finally I heard my mom's voice calling my name and I went to meet my family.

I found them at an apartment that apparently we would be staying at for a few days. when I walked in the room where my youngest sister and brother were, I found them blowing up balloons so that they could make balloon animals. they were using helium from a balloon that belonged to me. according to Angela, Mom had told her that she could use it, so she had cut a hole and was using it to blow up her balloons.

I was upset because the balloon had been a gift to me and now it was ruined. I took it away and tried to tie it off above the hole but it didn't work, and I was still upset so I went in the other room to get something to eat. a few minutes later I heard my family finishing family prayers. apparently they had called me in but I couldn't hear them.

I told my mom that I was disappointed that they hadn't told me they were having family prayers, and she told me that I should have been listening. I tried to tell her that I couldn't hear her, and when she responded, it was so muffled that I couldn't hear her response. I asked her to talk louder so that I could hear and then my dad came in the room where I was. he had the most menacing look on his face; he was angry because I guess he thought I was disrespecting my mom. he hurled an apple in my direction but it hit the wall behind me and shattered (if you can picture an apple shattering). he was carrying a rolling pin and a couple of other heavy objects but he calmed himself down and went in the other room where my mom was.

a few minutes later I heard the front door close and my family was gone.

I woke up crying.

it's easy to feel lonely when you're alone

I don't think it's possible to be sustained purely by a good attitude. It's true - without the basic structure of love for others and love for you from others, you can't stand. And this is all not for lack of trying. Things in my life are not perfect but I'm trying to work through my fears, my insecurities, my hard times and have a happy demeanor and usually I'm pretty successful with it. But inside it's so hard. And this isn't even because of my breakup. Well, maybe a little bit, but it's residual. He was my best friend and now he isn't, at least not on the same level, and I really don't have other friends that I can just go to if I need someone to hug me or to tell me that I'm awesome or beautiful or talented or whatever else. Not that I really expect that, but it's nice to know someone cares. And it feels so good when you get an unsolicited "you look really great today" or "you're the best, I'm glad I'm spending time with you."

I suppose I'm more of a mess than I thought... and I guess that "I'm a fragile tough girl" like Jo Davidson sings. Life does get messy and I know I'll make it but I really do need a friend whose shoulder I can just cry on. And if I'm not getting that from my parents, because they might as well be on the moon they're so far away, and I'm not getting it at my apartment, and I'm not getting it from my ward, then where am I supposed to go? I know I've got other friends, too, but I wish that they lived closer. As in - right HERE.

Enough of that. You know you're thinking too much about things when you start getting frustrated and depressed and you want to cry. Life really is good and I'm so glad to be where I am and learning the things that I am. I'm so glad that I've chosen my program and that I have a goal for the next few years.

I got a book from the library today that one of my professors had recommended. It's about money management. And I started reading it and I love it. It sounds really nerdy of me to be so excited about this book, but I am and I guess that's okay.

Lastly, dance is really interesting and starting to get obnoxious. Don't get me wrong; I still love dance. But my partner makes me uncomfortable because he always touches me and looks at me weird and it creeps me out. Eew.

Okay, done.

on the bright side...

Brigham Young University will resume student programs on a limited basis at its Center for Near Eastern Studies in Jerusalem beginning Fall Semester, 2006.

The initial program will be limited to matriculated BYU students who have been in residence at BYU's Provo campus for at least two years. Application materials will be available June 16 (at 301 HCEB, BYU or http://ce.byu.edu/jc); the BYU Jerusalem Center Provo Office will begin taking applications June 26. All qualified applications received between June 26 and July 7 will be given equal consideration for positions in the Fall 2006 program.

The decision to resume programs at BYU's Jerusalem Center was made by University officers following consultation with government and Church leaders. Future programs will be evaluated on a case-by-case basis with due consideration to the political and security environments in the region. Because travel in the region and within the Holy Land always carries some risk, the U.S. State Department has issued a travel advisory asking that U.S. citizens consider carefully the necessity of travel to the area. Anyone traveling to the area should review the State Department's advisory and understand the cautions it raises.

While student programs were suspended in 2001, the Jerusalem Center remained open throughout the 2001 to 2006 period, hosting concerts, workshops, tours and visitors. Students accepted for the Fall 2006 program will live at BYU's Center in Jerusalem, will participate in a field trip program to important Biblical and historical sites in Israel, and will be enrolled in a curriculum that covers ancient and modern Near Eastern history, modern Near Eastern languages, and the Old and New Testaments.

someday

someday I'll understand why it didn't work. and someday I'll be able to see how this all fits into the plan. and someday my eyes will even sparkle again.

until then, wish me luck.

the pages turn

As much as I would have liked for things to work out between us, I know this is for the best. And though it is the end of one chapter in my personal book of life, it's the beginning of something new. I don't quite know what that something is but I'm sure I will find out sooner or later. I wish I could say that I'm really happy and I'm over it but I think it's going to take some time. I still really care about him and I know he still cares about me; it's just not right and we're not as compatible as a couple should be and I have to accept that. I'm happy in that I know this is the right thing to do, but I guess I'm.... disappointed in a sense because I really saw this working out (prior to Wednesday I suppose) and now it's gone. Oh well, such is life and it's important for me to mourn and move on when I am ready and to celebrate this new chapter in my life and new beginnings and everything else that's new. We're still friends and I know I could just talk to him for hours about nothing important and that would be okay. It's going to be hard for a little while but I know that I'd rather be friends than break things off completely and I think I'm okay with that. I know that sounds dodgy but it's really, honestly how I feel and I think it will be okay because we care so much about each other. I think he's going to turn out to be a really good friend to me and I'm glad that I will be able to be a good friend to him.

And you know, a lot of people (i.e, my parents) who I talked to were concerned about the commitment issue. But I really think the underlying problem was compatibility. I know that we get along and that we're attracted to each other but there's got to be more to it. And while those people may not be terribly impressed with the way he handled things, I know he was doing his best and I know he would have brought it up sooner if he had been able to and I know that he is a good guy. He has definitely given me a good example and I know that a lot of guys just won't measure up anymore. And I guess that's okay.

All that's left is for me to wish, hope, and pray for the best.