two points for honesty: 11.2006

I'm pretty sure

this one's for you - you know who you are, you asked me to keep you updated.

here's how it went down:

I was interested. (I don't think he knew)
He was interested. (I didn't know)
I forgot.
I became interested again. (I don't think he knew)
Pretty sure he's not interested.
Pretty sure he knew/knows.
Whatever.

blah.

story of my life.

- - -

on another note, from the wisdom of stephen r. covey:

take ownership. be proactive. be interdependent, not independent.

my reasons why

Julie is frustrated because she's realizing she can't hold up the world all by herself.

let me explain.

I never really realized it before because I guess I just never really thought about it, but life just kind of happens for me. very rarely is it really hard... it isn't ever really easy but it just kind of happens and I don't generally have to put a ton of effort into making things work for me. this isn't to say that I don't get frustrated or confused or that things always work out the way I want them to. this also isn't to say that I'm always easygoing and laid back, because I'm not - I'm definitely a bit of a perfectionist. I definitely like things to go how I want them to, but doesn't everyone? I definitely am not always happy - if something isn't shaking itself out the way I would expect it to it sometimes makes me frustrated.

now, before you start rolling your eyes, let me make something clear - I don't live a charmed life. my life is pretty much just like everyone else's in that I have good days, I have bad days, I get excited, I get disappointed. sometimes things work out and sometimes they just don't. I have just kind of learned over the years that I shouldn't stress about trying to make things happen that really aren't going to.

that said, let me tell you about my situation. I'm almost reverting back to my old ways, and that is probably not a good thing. I'm feeling stress about something that is completely out of my control, and no matter how I may try to control it, the ball really isn't in my court. people will do what they will and there's no sense in trying to figure out what they're going to do before they do it! and that's exactly what I am frustrated about right now - the lack of control and the lack of ability that I have to influence others. I guess this is one of those learning experiences that I have to have that will eventually make me appreciate life as it will be once things start moving or once I move on.

until then... I'll be waiting here.

happy dancesport!

this weekend is dancesport. it's kind of exciting; I wish I was actually dancing but being there is definitely a good thing too. I think the competition has been going pretty well, too, so that's fun.

last night was awesome - a professional couple (urs and agnes - I don't know their last names off the top of my head) did a floor show and it was amazing. it was standard, which I love, and the costumes were beautiful and they did an amazing job. agnes is gorgeous, too. man, to be able to dance like that... I don't think I'll ever be that good.

last night I was so close to giving up on something but my roommate kind of talked me out of that. I was tired, so I of course wasn't thinking terribly rationally, and life can just be kind of drama sometimes. and after waking up this morning and thinking about it, I realized it would be stupid to just give up like I was going to. I need to give it more time, more of an opportunity to percolate... and maybe it will work out and maybe it won't, but at least I will have done the best I can.

I'm so tired right now. physically. emotionally. I'm mostly happy but I just feel like I need a re-charge. where that's going to come from, I don't know. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

take me back on down to fields of gold
I will be the first to go
open up my heart and let me know
that you, you will lead me on

higher

I'm so tired, I can't sleep
take these dreams, help me see
only you can make me strong
what I see, what I feel
here's your love, so surreal
that you love me though I'm gone

rain fall down on me
I'm too blind to see
that you are near
and as I open up my eyes
I come to find
that you are here

sun fall down on me
help my lonely eyes to see
that you're here, though I'm gone
won't you open up my mind
help my lonely heart to find
all your love, all your love...

help me now to rise above
and you say:
love, come on home
you've been on your own too long
now I open up my door
somehow you must find more

"Fields" - Isaac Hayden

p.s. I love you

I guess it's been a while... actually, it really has been a while...

and as always, many things have happened. birthday parties, dance, halloween, friends from my ward, guys, cooking for my dinner group... I can't even put a tally on the number of events of interest. (by the way, in case you didn't know... I live the exciting life of a college co-ed in the wonderful place we like to call happy valley - where the men are strong, the women are good looking, and the children are always above average. thank you, garrison keillor.)

I suppose the title of this very entry is a little bit misleading. no, I haven't fallen in love. no, no one has fallen in love with me. in fact, the drama of my life has turned me in a whole different direction. (it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, right?)

but the reason why the title of my message is what it is, is because I just kind of love my life right now. I have friends and I have opportunity and that's enough for me. at least for the time being.

so, here are my thoughts. I went on 3 dates this last weekend: one Friday, one Saturday, one Monday. Friday and Monday were fun but a not exactly... I don't know what to say about them. Saturday, though - I'm intrigued. like I said before... no, I haven't fallen in love. I haven't even fallen in like (if you can call it that). I just felt almost completely comfortable. and interested in talking to the kid. he's not your average happy valley resident. he actually thinks about things. and I wouldn't mind going out again to see if there's anything there.