sigh

I forfeit. That is all.

I'm not dying

Well, as far as the doctor can tell at this point, there's not much wrong with me. All my tests came back negative - I'm not even anemic! - so he thinks I just have a problem digesting milk protein. He put me on a strict no-milk diet, meaning that I can't have milk, ice cream, yogurt, cheese that comes from cow milk (goat cheese is okay...gross), cream sauces, ranch dressings, butter, etc. It's going to be hard but for sure worth it because I should be back to normal in no time. I will miss my dairy products though... I love string cheese and ice cream and chocolate... but in a few weeks I can test it again by eating something dairy and see if it does anything to me. And maybe I can eat really small portions every once in a while. That would be nice. So we'll see.

This weekend I went to my grandparents' house for Memorial Day (I was only there Sunday night to Monday afternoon). I got to help make the big breakfast by making enough hashbrowns for 25 people. That's a lot of hashbrowns. I ate my fair share while I was cooking them so by the time it was breakfast-time, I couldn't eat any... but that was okay. It was fun to see all of my cousins again. I'm not very close to any of them but now that we're older we have more to talk about. Like my one cousin just got home from a mission in Germany and he's trying to get back into the swing of dating and things like that... it's kind of funny. My other cousin is working as an EMT and he always has the best stories about things that happen when he's at work.

Last night I went on a group date with my roommates and it was so fun. We went to a park and had a picnic and then we did things like play on the playground and fly a kite and then we went back to my apartment and roasted mini marshmallows over candles. It was great fun. The wind yesterday was perfect for flying a kite so it got really high. I haven't flown a kite in a long time.

Last night I slept on the couch again. I haven't slept in my bed for 4 nights now, because I slept on the couch two nights and then at my grandparents' one night and then on the couch again last night. I don't know why I like it so much but our couches are really comfortable and the front room temperature is always better than the temperature in my room.

All in all, I'm a little bummed about the dietary changes I'm going to have to make. But if I'm really thinking about it, I'm grateful that it's not something more serious. I didn't think it was, and neither did the doctor, but we really didn't know and I suppose the greatest fear is in the unknown. And now that that's mostly over (there's still a slight chance that I might need more tests - if my symptoms don't go away in a few weeks) I don't really have that fear. My biggest worry now is that the symptoms won't go away and I'll need more tests. But the likelihood of that is pretty slim because I've made such great improvements over the past week.

blood and guts

Today I had blood sucked out of my arm into three vials. And I paid to have it done. I got a not-so-great lollipop out of it and I felt woozy but didn't pass out. There's a big sign in the lab waiting room that says that they recommend that the patient stays in the waiting room for 20 minutes after having blood drawn to avoid dizziness. They also recommend that you eat a lollipop, and by the time you finish your lollipop, your results should be back. I finished mine in 5 minutes or less because I don't suck... I bite. I guess that doesn't count. But at least my arm didn't bruise.

And the clincher... I get to go back at the end of the week to talk to the doctor about the results. And until then, I have to keep a log of everything I eat and when I eat it and he doesn't want me eating ANYTHING that has milk in it. Wow. I don't know how I'm going to survive this lifestyle. No butter for my bread? No cheese for my sandwich? No yogurt or ice cream or cream cheese or... I don't know.

pretty much I'm amazing

Tonight I went on a double date - minigolfing - with Brian and his rooommate and a girl that the roommate had asked out. I started out not doing so great but quickly got the hang of things and understood how to harness my strength and get my extremely large muscles to do exactly as I please. P.S. I had a great coach. But anyway, so I was able to finally get a hole in one... and then we came to the last hole. You know, the rip-off one that you have to do and it steals your ball so you can't go back around the course again. And they always say that if you get a hole in one you win something - whatever it is... So anyway, I got a hole in one. And there wasn't any kind of cheering or siren or anything. So I thought I didn't win anything. Luckily Brian asked someone who works there what happens when you get a hole in one... and apparently you get a free game of minigolf. And then we left. On our way out, I picked up another certificate off the ground for a free round. So I guess that Brian and I have a free date next weekend or sometime before June 30. Yes, yes, I know... I'll be signing autographs all evening.

After minigolf we went to Ben and Jerry's. Be sure to try the Mango Lime Sorbet if you get a chance... it's amazing.

fear

Major: Marriage, Family and Human Development
Year in School: Senior
Time left in school: At least 4 semesters.

Other than school, the biggest thing in my life is... well, that's obvious. Things are going well I think. Well, as far as I'm aware. But that just goes to show that even though there can be some rough parts, if there's something there it will all work out. Which is good.

Oh, and I wussed out on a doctor's appointment today. I was supposed to go and find out if I am lactose intolerant (or what it is that makes me feel so... gross). The procedure is to take blood and I just couldn't do it. I was too afraid and so I decided to reschedule. I know it's just putting it off a little bit longer, but I really do have good reasons. I need to psyche myself up for it... they're probably going to take all my blood and it'll squirt all over me and the floor and then I'll pass out and never come to. I'm afraid of pokey objects poking into my skin. And then they're going to tell me that I have to eat gross foods like spinach and lima beans. SICK. At least by then I'll be DEAD because they took all my blood, so it won't matter that I can't enjoy the good things in life.

Just kidding. But honestly, I'm so afraid. I can't believe I'm putting myself through this of my own will. I know it's better for me, and that's why I'm doing it, but it still seems a little strange that I would make myself do something that scares me to death.

Speaking of scary, I'm also afraid of falling down the stairs. So pretty much my apartment is a good experience for me (according to Brian) because the back stairs are incredibly steep and he insists on hugging me WHILE WE'RE STANDING ON THE STAIRS. He says he won't let us fall, but I'm still scared. Apparently this is an exercise in trust. Or something. And I trust him, so it's okay. But I'm still scared. I don't know why this is such a huge fear for me... except that when I was little (probably two or maybe three or four... regardless, I was really little) I fell down the stairs at my grandma's house and I think it knocked me out. I remember falling and then I remember waking up with everyone around me. It's amazing what experiences as little children can do for you later on. I know my fear of falling down the stairs stems from that particular experience, and I can pinpoint other experiences as having a correlation with other fears. Hmm... so, what to do? Skydiving helped (a little bit) with my fear of falling... actually, it helped me with a lot of my fears. For example, if I can jump out of a plane at 15 thousand feet, I can speak in front of 3000 people, because that's only 5 feet for every person. No big deal. And so on.

yes, yes, I know

I think I have made a decision about my major. And it makes me happy and excited for school again. So I guess it's time for some reflection and patience and I'll decide if this is really what I want to do.

Dance makes me sore. Legs especially. Driving in the waltz with a new routine and giving 150% is great and all, but after a while it's pretty taxing on my body. I'm really enjoying standard. Latin not so much. Today I asked my teacher if I was doing anything that looked funny and he was like, "Yes... but everyone is." So I asked him a more specific question and he gave me a more specific answer. Apparently I carry myself with my shoulders forward. Don't ask how I do that, becuase I don't know. I need to stop doing that so that I look better. Practice, practice, practice, practice, practice.

Saturday I'm going to practice standard with Gordon and then I'm going to go watch a couple of intramural games. I'm excited to see what intramural kickball looks like. Someone was trying to get me to join a team but I didn't really want to. Brian and I are going to go play tennis this weekend I think. I'm way excited... well, kind of. I haven't picked up my raquet in two years so I think it might be hard... and make me sore. But that's alright.

On another note, what is wrong with this weather? It's super cold again and it's mid-May. I don't get it.

your mom goes to college

There are a few things in this life that I just don't really understand. One of the biggest issues is people being rude. I think that if you are going to take the time to post a nasty comment on someone's blog, you have got some major issues. Who does that? Why would you waste a minute or two of your day making sure that someone knows that you don't appreciate what they have to say? I would say that the statement, "You're an idiot," is one of the top five rudest things someone has ever said to me - and - on top of that, whoever left that comment didn't have the gumption to leave their name. What does that tell you?

I don't write in my blog for the benefit of anyone but myself and my family and friends who care to know what is going on in my life. And if you don't fit into that category, please take your internet browser somewhere else. You have no business here.

- - -

That said, the biggest thing in my life right now is my decision about school. I still don't really have any big answers but I do have a few options:

1. Take Fall semester off from school so that I have time to think about it. Find a new, full-time job.

2. Go to school part or 3/4 time, keep my current job, and take the classes that I've been wanting to take but can't fit into my schedule.

3. Drop out - forever.

4. Continue with the Poli Sci major. Barf.

I think the option I'm leaning toward is number 2 because it has all the benefits of being at school and at the same time it gives a little bit of a break from real work, and an opportunity for more time to decide about my major.

The second-biggest thing... well, I don't know. I guess there really isn't much to say. I miss my old ward because I knew people there, and I really like my new ward because the bishop is just so kind. He recommended a book to me the other day that he thought would be something good for me to read. I ordered it and I hope it will come soon.

I'm taking this class about human relationships this term and it's so interesting. My professor really makes the class interesting and fun and it seems like he really cares about us. As far as the major issue is concerned, I might like to study this - this is the most fascinating class I've had in a while and I think that human relationships is something that I could potentially be passionate about.

please be advised...

Well, my birthday ended up being really good, despite the disappointment of not making team. I went out to dinner with the guy I'm dating (he also gave me flowers and a gift certificate), and my magnificent roommates made an amazing chocolate cake for me. It was nice of them to think of me... and even though I still didn't get to be with my family it was great.

Wednesday was interesting too. I was late to my first class (it was okay) so I parked in faculty parking without the right permit... but when I got back to my car I didn't have a ticket! And then my car started having issues again. Last week it was in the shop because the oil light came on, and then this time the engine light turned on. I don't really have time to take it in until tomorrow or Saturday, so I guess I'll just have to deal with not having a car until then. Car maintenance is such a pain when you're single. Actually, no - it's just a pain, no matter what you are. Maybe we should all start riding bikes again.

AND... I've got some decisions to make again. I hate having to choose between so many good things. Majors are such a pain, why can't I just major in elective credit?

birthday

Well, I didn't make team and I'm a little bit sad, but I'm mostly okay with it. I've kind of gotten used to not making it but at the same time... I kind of wonder if that's really the thing that I'm supposed to be doing right now. Dance is the first thing I've ever really felt passionate about and it's kind of hard to see past that but it's becoming less important in my life as other things take a more prevalent position. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, even though it's disappointing that the coach doesn't think I'm good enough to make team (and plenty of people have said that I definitely am!), it doesn't matter. Because I know there's a mission for me - something I'm supposed to be doing with my life - right now. I just need to find it. And maybe what seems important to me right now is keeping me from finding it. Or maybe it's something else. But I think it's time for some soul searching again.

But, as Emily Dickinson wrote, "The Sailor cannot see the North, but knows the Needle can."

There's something there for me, I just know it. And just because maybe I can't see the broad picture at this point, it doesn't mean that there isn't something there. I'll find it and I'll excel at whatever it is.