home sweet home.

Hollister is an interesting place and I suppose that you could say that the more time you spend time away from here, you just forget about the strangeness of it all.

As you drive into Hollister - from any direction - you have to take a two-lane highway. These highways run through fields that are planted most commonly with things like strawberries, garlic, or orchards of various kinds. The first thing you see when you come into the town is, well, not much. A run-down main street. Old houses. Small mom-and-pop stores that probably aren't doing too well. Driving through the town, you'll notice that there are areas that look more scary than others. You'll see a tomato canning plant - and if you come at certain times of year, you'll smell it, too. You'll also notice that we have a few different grocery stores and a kmart, a target, and a movie theater (which happens to be a newer one than the one that was there when I was in high school). There is one high school, two middle schools, and several elementary schools.

My 10-year-old brother is in 5th grade and on Friday one of his classmates was apparently hauled off to juvie (or something) for smoking weed on the playground. The kid's father is in jail and the kid who ratted on him is a boy who got expelled at the end of last year for pushing his teacher and getting in her face about something - she is an old lady who was close to retirement. According to another little boy, the one who was getting high on the playground is the kind of boy that if you cross him, "he'll get friends and come back and try to hurt you." So he must be in a gang. And now some of the kids at the school are getting a group together to defend the kid who told - if there is trouble. I just hope my brother is okay. Gangs are scary. Earlier this summer there were a couple of gang kids who ran over another kid with a car and killed him. I'm sure everyone involved were gang members, but I don't know... I just hope there isn't trouble. And I hope the school administration takes this seriously because I want my little brother and all his friends to be safe.

On a happier note, here's what I've been up to:

Saturday I went to the Sacramento Temple Open House with my family. It was really fun to see it and the temple is absolutely beautiful. When I told my mom that I want to get married there she told me that I better find someone from Sacramento. My friend Lori seems to have found someone for me so I think I might be in good shape on that front. (I'm kidding.) After visiting the open house, my family visited some friends of our who live in Folsom. I haven't seen them in forever, so that was fun. Their house is always immaculate and this house (they moved recently) is no exception. I can't wait until I have my own house and I can decorate it and take care of it and have my own space.

Sunday was church... it was fun to go and see some of the people who I know from there... although, I didn't see half as many people as I had wanted to. I was a bit disappointed. It's kind of weird to go to church here now, because everything has changed so much. All the younger kids have grown up and people who I don't know have moved in and some people have moved out and some don't come to church anymore etc etc etc. And all my friends have moved away. It's kind of weird. After church I took a LONG nap and then I played around with my class schedule. Dinner was good (my mom is awesome) and I talked to my dad about school some... he thinks I should take this semester off from school. I don't really know what his reasons are (I need to talk to him about that because that would help my decision a bit) and I'm not sure what I will do. We will see... but I need to make my decision quickly because the semester is going to start really soon.

Monday I didn't do much. I went through some boxes of old stuff... I played with my class schedule some more, and thought about what I want to do. I didn't feel too great all day. Mom taught me how to make pie crust, so that will be a good thing for me to have learned. Now I can make pie! (Yum) The missionaries came over for dinner. We had homemade chicken pot pie and skor cake and other good stuff.

Tuesday I went shopping at the outlet mall near my house with my mom and my sister. They both hate shopping so it wasn't the most exciting experience. We went to several stores and I bought more than I should have but I found some things that I really like. The next step is for me to decide what I really want to keep and return the rest. After that we went to Costco and they had samples of wonderful things like chocolate pudding and cream puffs. It was awesome. We got home and ate dinner and I talked to Mom for a while and then I went to a friend's house and we made suckers.

Today I think I'm going to go back to Costco to get negatives converted into picture CDs. I want all my family's pictures from when I was a kid and I thought that might be the best way to get them. Digital is better anyway.

hollister, ca

I'm headed there for the next 8 days. I can't wait.

through the window

the weeks go by and things change. and change. and change. in fact, things never stop changing. I feel like my life is this gelatinous mass that just never quite looks the same. or a kaleidoscope. I think I like the metaphor of my kaleidoscope life, with all its colors and the refracting light (is that right? oh well, whatever) and how at times it just seems to shatter and yet still stays together for the most part. the kaleidoscope keeps turning and never quite looks the same again. people come and people go and I move and I meet new people and life just keeps going. and sometimes you see those ugly-colored beads (or whatever the stuff inside happens to be) and you just keep it moving and then it's beautiful again. it's amazing how life just always goes on and eventually things always seem at least somewhat okay.

like today. while this may not seem like a big deal to anyone, I found out today that my ex-boyfriend's roommate is now engaged to the girl who he started dating just before we broke up. they're getting married in november. I'm happy for them and excited for them and everything - they seem so happy - but at the same time I can't help but think about "if things were different." oh, the constant struggle with the unlikely "could have/might have/should have been." I'm not saying that marriage is my main concern right now because it's not. but at the same time, I was so ready for it with that one guy in particular and now I just feel like I'm stuck on the sand. I had my HEART SET for all intents and purposes, for crying out loud. it probably isn't all that helpful when several other people I know either just got married or engaged or whatever. and I'm YOUNG. I hate how this topic in particular is so huge here. but that's a whole different story.

my next thought, which is actually the reason why I decided to write today (I just got sidetracked by the previous topic):

you know how sometimes you see something or think of something and it sounds SO FUN.... well, it's really not. it's frustrating and busy and it makes you feel like a moron. or like people think you have your priorities mixed up, like that's all you think about. and it's really not that... it's just that that's all you really have going on. I'm sorry to be so opaque about this but it's really not something I want to expand upon right now. maybe I'll tell you when you're older.

p.s. I hate it when people look at me like I'm a moron.

I was told today that I seem to be "an intense little girl." any ideas what that means? I get the "little girl" part... I'm a girl of the "short and skinny" variety... I practically have to shop in the little girls' section. but the "intense" part is what I'm curious about. is intensity a good thing or a bad thing? does it mean I'm driven, focused, crazy, obnoxious, something else? please, shed some light.

things I've learned

this crazy, intense, busy summer has taught me a lot of lessons, including:

1. don't judge a book by its cover. judging a situation or a person (heaven forbid!) prematurely can cause some serious problems. it's important to just see the situation for what it is, ride with it for a little while (in most cases), and then make your decision. immediate action isn't always important. or the best choice.

2. I'm capable of more than I thought. this has been the most demanding four months of my life. I have had decision after decision after decision, and it's all worked out how it should

3. stick to your guns. don't do something just because someone else thinks you should. it doesn't matter who that person is, either - it could be your parents or a stranger on the street.

4. working all day isn't fun. I'm looking forward to doing school again. and not working as much.