my reasons why

Julie is frustrated because she's realizing she can't hold up the world all by herself.

let me explain.

I never really realized it before because I guess I just never really thought about it, but life just kind of happens for me. very rarely is it really hard... it isn't ever really easy but it just kind of happens and I don't generally have to put a ton of effort into making things work for me. this isn't to say that I don't get frustrated or confused or that things always work out the way I want them to. this also isn't to say that I'm always easygoing and laid back, because I'm not - I'm definitely a bit of a perfectionist. I definitely like things to go how I want them to, but doesn't everyone? I definitely am not always happy - if something isn't shaking itself out the way I would expect it to it sometimes makes me frustrated.

now, before you start rolling your eyes, let me make something clear - I don't live a charmed life. my life is pretty much just like everyone else's in that I have good days, I have bad days, I get excited, I get disappointed. sometimes things work out and sometimes they just don't. I have just kind of learned over the years that I shouldn't stress about trying to make things happen that really aren't going to.

that said, let me tell you about my situation. I'm almost reverting back to my old ways, and that is probably not a good thing. I'm feeling stress about something that is completely out of my control, and no matter how I may try to control it, the ball really isn't in my court. people will do what they will and there's no sense in trying to figure out what they're going to do before they do it! and that's exactly what I am frustrated about right now - the lack of control and the lack of ability that I have to influence others. I guess this is one of those learning experiences that I have to have that will eventually make me appreciate life as it will be once things start moving or once I move on.

until then... I'll be waiting here.