through the window

the weeks go by and things change. and change. and change. in fact, things never stop changing. I feel like my life is this gelatinous mass that just never quite looks the same. or a kaleidoscope. I think I like the metaphor of my kaleidoscope life, with all its colors and the refracting light (is that right? oh well, whatever) and how at times it just seems to shatter and yet still stays together for the most part. the kaleidoscope keeps turning and never quite looks the same again. people come and people go and I move and I meet new people and life just keeps going. and sometimes you see those ugly-colored beads (or whatever the stuff inside happens to be) and you just keep it moving and then it's beautiful again. it's amazing how life just always goes on and eventually things always seem at least somewhat okay.

like today. while this may not seem like a big deal to anyone, I found out today that my ex-boyfriend's roommate is now engaged to the girl who he started dating just before we broke up. they're getting married in november. I'm happy for them and excited for them and everything - they seem so happy - but at the same time I can't help but think about "if things were different." oh, the constant struggle with the unlikely "could have/might have/should have been." I'm not saying that marriage is my main concern right now because it's not. but at the same time, I was so ready for it with that one guy in particular and now I just feel like I'm stuck on the sand. I had my HEART SET for all intents and purposes, for crying out loud. it probably isn't all that helpful when several other people I know either just got married or engaged or whatever. and I'm YOUNG. I hate how this topic in particular is so huge here. but that's a whole different story.

my next thought, which is actually the reason why I decided to write today (I just got sidetracked by the previous topic):

you know how sometimes you see something or think of something and it sounds SO FUN.... well, it's really not. it's frustrating and busy and it makes you feel like a moron. or like people think you have your priorities mixed up, like that's all you think about. and it's really not that... it's just that that's all you really have going on. I'm sorry to be so opaque about this but it's really not something I want to expand upon right now. maybe I'll tell you when you're older.

p.s. I hate it when people look at me like I'm a moron.

I was told today that I seem to be "an intense little girl." any ideas what that means? I get the "little girl" part... I'm a girl of the "short and skinny" variety... I practically have to shop in the little girls' section. but the "intense" part is what I'm curious about. is intensity a good thing or a bad thing? does it mean I'm driven, focused, crazy, obnoxious, something else? please, shed some light.